Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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