So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
