You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
