I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
