i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
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