I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
