Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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