sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
