The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
We talked him into tasing himself.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
