he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
