Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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