Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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