They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
