I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
