You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
