I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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