You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Randomize
