Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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