It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
