I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
