I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
