Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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