Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
