dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He is an equal opportunity slut.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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