i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
well I can't set my house on fire every night
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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