Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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