Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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