At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
