Where did you get a picture of my penis
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
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