He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
