if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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