No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Panties = found
Randomize
