you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
