yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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