I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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