Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
