spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
