The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
