I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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