you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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