I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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