I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
