Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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