I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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