I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
