dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
