Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
