She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
