is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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