so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
